Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
