When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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