I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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