i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
