What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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