Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
