i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
