Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
