How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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