My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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