david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
