my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Randomize
