so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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