They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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