I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
