when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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