...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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