Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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