hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
