meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
