I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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