Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
