When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
