hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
