when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
