Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
