just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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