May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
