drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
