My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
