She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
