first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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