peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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