I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
