Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
