buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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