I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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