I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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