I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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