Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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