ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
