I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
