Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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