I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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