Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
