i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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