my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
