I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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