Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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