i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.