What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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