So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
