who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
