why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
