i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So squirting runs in the family.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
