the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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